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Or so some say. Frankly, I just think that the Mayans were sensible enough to avoid planning too far in advance. I'm not saying it couldn't end--I sometimes feel that humanity is on the brink of something that will either change us or kill us--but I think we're more likely to destroy ourselves than to wait around for something else to do the destroying for us.
On that cheerful note, here is a meme that I borrowed from Amy (notcrazy_honest on LJ). I was going to do a free-for-all ramble on the past year and the next one, but that would be ridiculously long and disjointed. Sometimes structure is a good thing.
1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
I stopped being a student. That's kind of a big thing; I started preschool as soon as my mother went off of maternity leave and made school my primary focus. I've been lost before, but not having school to anchor me made me even more vague and confused than usual.
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions, in part because I don't like committing myself to anything without agonizing over it for ages but mostly because I stubbornly refuse to do anything that I might fail at. I know that isn't a good mindset, and one that I ought to break out of. This year, then, I resolve to be less lost at the end of 2012 than I was at the beginning of it.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
There aren't many people close to me, you know. One of the moderators at the MLPA had a little girl, though.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Heff. I think he died this year, at least. Rue, Bette, Heff, and Tipper all died in a row and I'm having a hard time remembering who died when.
5. What countries did you visit?
None, although I'd like to go to other countries.
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Some amount of self-esteem, a plan--however foggy--for the future, and fewer financial concerns.
7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Aha. There are a number of things that happened that I won't forget, but I'm very bad with dates. I'll say December 29th, when I started playing at Poly again, since I remember what day that was. I'd thought so much about going back... regretted leaving so badly. Coming back was nice, if bittersweet. So many people I want to play with aren't there and I have yet to really feel something while threading. That's one reason I play--to get that emotional kick.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
There are three that tie, in a way. First, I was accepted as a moderator at the MLPA. I know that no one in this circle knows about that part of my life--not really--but it gave me a sense of purpose and I was proud of myself for being bold enough to apply. Second? I spent $20 to submit a short story into a contest. I feel kind of dumb for doing that (I've since shared my submission publicly and the... ah, unenthusiastic response reinforced my suspicion that I was throwing that $20 away), but that's the first time I've ever pretended to have enough confidence in something I've done to throw money at it. Completing NaNoWriMo is a close third, and that's just because I managed to finish something.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Stagnation. I stalled all year--failed to move forward.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yep. Nothing like the eyelid thing last year, but general illnesses and poor health. Continued anemia.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Either my sexy collection of Anton Chekov's plays or my possibly-signed-by-Walter-Koenig MOC action figure. /dork
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Odd question. The people who remain important and supportive are... sort of intrinsically wonderful. Behavior seems like a passing thing. My brother, I suppose? He's been in a little trouble because of his active social life, but I'm proud of how together he is and what a strong sense of self he possesses.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My mother's. I can't really blame her, though; she doesn't know what she's doing.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Medical, now that I'm expected to pay my bills in spite of my... you know, lack of income. I spent a fair bit on little surprises in the mail and shipping, too, but I don't regret that.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Nothing. I'm not sure I have that particular emotion. Still, I was almost giddy when we went to see Celtic Thunder. I was excited when Katie came to visit, too, but that was laced with anxiety.
16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
There isn't one, really, since I won't remember when and what 2011 was all about soon enough. My go-to songs for most of the year were Pink's "Crystal Ball" and George Harrison's "Just For Today," so maybe those.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? Sadder, I think. It's hard to tell.
ii. Thinner or fatter? Thinner. I would like to be healthy.
iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer! No one's paying me to go to school anymore!
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing, painting... drawing. Putting myself out there, attempting to make a little money doing what I enjoy. I wish I had spent more time just... typing to people. Interacting. Letting them know that I care instead of lurking and assuming they somehow knew that I care.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Sleeping, moping, wallowing, and generally just sitting around and indulging myself in thoughts that weren't at all helpful.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it in hell. Ah--Cedar Rapids, I mean. I should elaborate, maybe, but I spent most of the holiday being alternately ignored or berated for not being good enough. Good times.
21. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
Spent it at tai chi, then cleaning, and then trying to paint while watching "Tangled." Gave up on painting when "Tangled" was done and rehaired a pony while watching "Jaws" with Mother. (We were going to watch the second season of "Black Books," but I ended up taking a long nap that cut our time short.) I spent too much time wanting to roleplay and not really knowing what to do with that want, too.
22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
I'm not sure. My definition of "love" is kind of uncertain and I feel it's something that a person grows into rather than falls into. Slow, you know--not a process that can be pinned down.
23. How many one-night stands?
Hah. That's a very funny question.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
It changed throughout the year. I guess Star Trek wins overall?
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't think I hate anyone. Not that I recall.
26. What was the best book you read?
I'm a little ashamed to say, but I really enjoyed Traitor Winds. I know a Trek novel isn't exactly fine lit, but after years of reading amazing classics, I really latched onto a bit of fun reading involving characters I love. It wasn't the BEST, technically, but it was the best enjoyed.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Neil Byrne! Who knew that Celtic Thunder's lead guitarist had a gorgeous, crystalline voice and wrote original songs that combine sincerity, word play, and a bit of strangeness in an R&B auditory delight? He also seems very down-to-earth and somewhat shy. I'm a little in love with him. Nirvana, too. It's... well. It's not not my music since I'm capable of liking anything, but it's grittier than my usual. I'm glad I gave it a chance, and I'm slightly alarmed by my fascination with Kurt Cobain.
28. What did you want and get?
Ah? Oh, materialistically! Pavlina, certainly. I've been wanting a doll very much and it's lovely to have her. She's lovely (and needs more clothes, which means I need to really learn to sew this next year).
29. What did you want and not get?
As far as physical things go, I was very keen on getting a Diamond Chekov action figure with decent articulation to go with Data, McCoy, and Sulu.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Oh, gosh. "Tangled" and "Crazy Stupid Love," I think. At least, out of the ones I only found this year. There are several other movies that I watch far, far more often. I liked "Tangled" because... you know, Disney, and I thought the characters were wonderful. It was visually pleasing, I had someone I could obsess about it with, and Rapunzel is easily my favorite Disney princess. I've only seen "Crazy Stupid Love" once, but Gosling and Julianne Moore in the same movie? That's awesome. Gosling's performance was brilliant (I actually found his character most amusing before he showed he could be a decent guy, but... you know, that "decent guy" thing is very charming).
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned twenty-three, which is a number I don't like at all, and I didn't do much of anything. That's what I do for most birthdays, so that's okay.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Energy or, at the very least, a less crippling kind of apathy.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Jeans and t-shirts as usual. Ultra-casual. I do want to wear actual adult clothes eventually, though. I think my fashion concept is getting increasingly hobo-esque, too, now that I can't afford to buy myself new clothes.
34. What kept you sane?
I'm sane? Er. Throwing myself into the Arena and trying to make everyone there happy helped, as did drowning in NaNoWriMo. Distraction, then. Complete distraction.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Oh, gosh. I'm a Gosling girl, of course, but there are so many fanciable people! Neil is winning me over. There's a handful of celebrities I've sort of always fancied that I won't go into. Anton Yelchin is new to the "fancy" list. I feel kind of wrong for that, but he's not quite a year younger than me and he seems terribly clever. I'm ashamed to say that I fancy Damian McGinty, too, and the lad's only eighteen. Then again, the people I fancy just kind of... stir up weird maternal and/or domestic feelings, not much else. I want to cook for them and make scarves for them and take care of them.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I've tried very hard not to be stirred. Having said that, I have quietly picked my fights, signed my petitions, and I'd rather not discuss it.
37. Who did you miss?
Grandpa. I miss other people, of course, but I still can't stop missing him. He was the only person in the family who understood me--who was like me. I miss him every single day.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I've met a lot of very nice people this year! To pick one, though... there's a moderator at the Arena who is a mother--younger than mine, but still older than me by a fair bit--and I didn't really get to know her until this year. I've told her a lot about my family problems and she has adopted me (with a certificate and everything).
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Don't drop what you're enjoying in an effort to "discover yourself" and grow up. That way lies misery and regret (and I didn't even grow up or find myself!). I think that those things have to come gradually, and abandoning things you like to chase things to think you ought to like is foolish.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Just for today I could try to live
Through this day only
Not deal with all life's problems
Just for today
If just for one night
I could feel not sad and lonely
Not be my own life's problems
Just for one night
"Just For Today," George Harrison
On that cheerful note, here is a meme that I borrowed from Amy (notcrazy_honest on LJ). I was going to do a free-for-all ramble on the past year and the next one, but that would be ridiculously long and disjointed. Sometimes structure is a good thing.
1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
I stopped being a student. That's kind of a big thing; I started preschool as soon as my mother went off of maternity leave and made school my primary focus. I've been lost before, but not having school to anchor me made me even more vague and confused than usual.
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions, in part because I don't like committing myself to anything without agonizing over it for ages but mostly because I stubbornly refuse to do anything that I might fail at. I know that isn't a good mindset, and one that I ought to break out of. This year, then, I resolve to be less lost at the end of 2012 than I was at the beginning of it.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
There aren't many people close to me, you know. One of the moderators at the MLPA had a little girl, though.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Heff. I think he died this year, at least. Rue, Bette, Heff, and Tipper all died in a row and I'm having a hard time remembering who died when.
5. What countries did you visit?
None, although I'd like to go to other countries.
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Some amount of self-esteem, a plan--however foggy--for the future, and fewer financial concerns.
7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Aha. There are a number of things that happened that I won't forget, but I'm very bad with dates. I'll say December 29th, when I started playing at Poly again, since I remember what day that was. I'd thought so much about going back... regretted leaving so badly. Coming back was nice, if bittersweet. So many people I want to play with aren't there and I have yet to really feel something while threading. That's one reason I play--to get that emotional kick.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
There are three that tie, in a way. First, I was accepted as a moderator at the MLPA. I know that no one in this circle knows about that part of my life--not really--but it gave me a sense of purpose and I was proud of myself for being bold enough to apply. Second? I spent $20 to submit a short story into a contest. I feel kind of dumb for doing that (I've since shared my submission publicly and the... ah, unenthusiastic response reinforced my suspicion that I was throwing that $20 away), but that's the first time I've ever pretended to have enough confidence in something I've done to throw money at it. Completing NaNoWriMo is a close third, and that's just because I managed to finish something.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Stagnation. I stalled all year--failed to move forward.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yep. Nothing like the eyelid thing last year, but general illnesses and poor health. Continued anemia.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Either my sexy collection of Anton Chekov's plays or my possibly-signed-by-Walter-Koenig MOC action figure. /dork
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Odd question. The people who remain important and supportive are... sort of intrinsically wonderful. Behavior seems like a passing thing. My brother, I suppose? He's been in a little trouble because of his active social life, but I'm proud of how together he is and what a strong sense of self he possesses.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My mother's. I can't really blame her, though; she doesn't know what she's doing.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Medical, now that I'm expected to pay my bills in spite of my... you know, lack of income. I spent a fair bit on little surprises in the mail and shipping, too, but I don't regret that.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Nothing. I'm not sure I have that particular emotion. Still, I was almost giddy when we went to see Celtic Thunder. I was excited when Katie came to visit, too, but that was laced with anxiety.
16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
There isn't one, really, since I won't remember when and what 2011 was all about soon enough. My go-to songs for most of the year were Pink's "Crystal Ball" and George Harrison's "Just For Today," so maybe those.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? Sadder, I think. It's hard to tell.
ii. Thinner or fatter? Thinner. I would like to be healthy.
iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer! No one's paying me to go to school anymore!
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing, painting... drawing. Putting myself out there, attempting to make a little money doing what I enjoy. I wish I had spent more time just... typing to people. Interacting. Letting them know that I care instead of lurking and assuming they somehow knew that I care.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Sleeping, moping, wallowing, and generally just sitting around and indulging myself in thoughts that weren't at all helpful.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it in hell. Ah--Cedar Rapids, I mean. I should elaborate, maybe, but I spent most of the holiday being alternately ignored or berated for not being good enough. Good times.
21. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
Spent it at tai chi, then cleaning, and then trying to paint while watching "Tangled." Gave up on painting when "Tangled" was done and rehaired a pony while watching "Jaws" with Mother. (We were going to watch the second season of "Black Books," but I ended up taking a long nap that cut our time short.) I spent too much time wanting to roleplay and not really knowing what to do with that want, too.
22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
I'm not sure. My definition of "love" is kind of uncertain and I feel it's something that a person grows into rather than falls into. Slow, you know--not a process that can be pinned down.
23. How many one-night stands?
Hah. That's a very funny question.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
It changed throughout the year. I guess Star Trek wins overall?
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't think I hate anyone. Not that I recall.
26. What was the best book you read?
I'm a little ashamed to say, but I really enjoyed Traitor Winds. I know a Trek novel isn't exactly fine lit, but after years of reading amazing classics, I really latched onto a bit of fun reading involving characters I love. It wasn't the BEST, technically, but it was the best enjoyed.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Neil Byrne! Who knew that Celtic Thunder's lead guitarist had a gorgeous, crystalline voice and wrote original songs that combine sincerity, word play, and a bit of strangeness in an R&B auditory delight? He also seems very down-to-earth and somewhat shy. I'm a little in love with him. Nirvana, too. It's... well. It's not not my music since I'm capable of liking anything, but it's grittier than my usual. I'm glad I gave it a chance, and I'm slightly alarmed by my fascination with Kurt Cobain.
28. What did you want and get?
Ah? Oh, materialistically! Pavlina, certainly. I've been wanting a doll very much and it's lovely to have her. She's lovely (and needs more clothes, which means I need to really learn to sew this next year).
29. What did you want and not get?
As far as physical things go, I was very keen on getting a Diamond Chekov action figure with decent articulation to go with Data, McCoy, and Sulu.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Oh, gosh. "Tangled" and "Crazy Stupid Love," I think. At least, out of the ones I only found this year. There are several other movies that I watch far, far more often. I liked "Tangled" because... you know, Disney, and I thought the characters were wonderful. It was visually pleasing, I had someone I could obsess about it with, and Rapunzel is easily my favorite Disney princess. I've only seen "Crazy Stupid Love" once, but Gosling and Julianne Moore in the same movie? That's awesome. Gosling's performance was brilliant (I actually found his character most amusing before he showed he could be a decent guy, but... you know, that "decent guy" thing is very charming).
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned twenty-three, which is a number I don't like at all, and I didn't do much of anything. That's what I do for most birthdays, so that's okay.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Energy or, at the very least, a less crippling kind of apathy.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Jeans and t-shirts as usual. Ultra-casual. I do want to wear actual adult clothes eventually, though. I think my fashion concept is getting increasingly hobo-esque, too, now that I can't afford to buy myself new clothes.
34. What kept you sane?
I'm sane? Er. Throwing myself into the Arena and trying to make everyone there happy helped, as did drowning in NaNoWriMo. Distraction, then. Complete distraction.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Oh, gosh. I'm a Gosling girl, of course, but there are so many fanciable people! Neil is winning me over. There's a handful of celebrities I've sort of always fancied that I won't go into. Anton Yelchin is new to the "fancy" list. I feel kind of wrong for that, but he's not quite a year younger than me and he seems terribly clever. I'm ashamed to say that I fancy Damian McGinty, too, and the lad's only eighteen. Then again, the people I fancy just kind of... stir up weird maternal and/or domestic feelings, not much else. I want to cook for them and make scarves for them and take care of them.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I've tried very hard not to be stirred. Having said that, I have quietly picked my fights, signed my petitions, and I'd rather not discuss it.
37. Who did you miss?
Grandpa. I miss other people, of course, but I still can't stop missing him. He was the only person in the family who understood me--who was like me. I miss him every single day.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I've met a lot of very nice people this year! To pick one, though... there's a moderator at the Arena who is a mother--younger than mine, but still older than me by a fair bit--and I didn't really get to know her until this year. I've told her a lot about my family problems and she has adopted me (with a certificate and everything).
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Don't drop what you're enjoying in an effort to "discover yourself" and grow up. That way lies misery and regret (and I didn't even grow up or find myself!). I think that those things have to come gradually, and abandoning things you like to chase things to think you ought to like is foolish.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Just for today I could try to live
Through this day only
Not deal with all life's problems
Just for today
If just for one night
I could feel not sad and lonely
Not be my own life's problems
Just for one night
"Just For Today," George Harrison
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